health

Ejo #172 – Oils Ain’t Oils

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Everyone knows that polyunsaturated fats are healthier for you than saturated fats, right?  But hang on, how does everyone know that?  Like, where are the randomised control trial papers?  Where’s the actual evidence?  Where is the data?  Well, there is none.  Absolutely none.  It’s just accepted wisdom, and nothing more.  Seed oils (aka polyunsaturated fats) do lower cholesterol.  Absolutely they do.  There’s no denying that.  And the way they do it is via their high concentration of cholesterol-like molecules called plant sterols, which lower the cholesterol in your blood.  Winner winner, tofu dinner, right?  And if the ultimate goal were to lower your cholesterol levels, then replacing saturated fat with polyunsaturated vegetable oils would be the way to do it. 

But isn’t the real goal here to improve our health?  To live a longer, and healthier life?  As I spoke about in my ejo, Countdown For What, high cholesterol isn’t the villain it’s made out to be.  In fact, it is inversely associated with mortality in people over the age of 60.  In other words, the higher your cholesterol, the longer you’re expected to live.  And the lower your cholesterol, the quicker you’re expected to die. 

So, why on earth would you want to lower your cholesterol?  Well, you wouldn’t.  And you shouldn’t.  But, for argument’s sake, let’s say you think I’m full of shit and you do want to get (or keep) your cholesterol numbers down.  Seed oils can help you do that.  Whoop-de-doo, you know what else they can do?  Increase your risk of heart disease.  So, please take the time to think about your objective here.  Is it to lower your cholesterol, just for the arbitrary sake of it?  Or is it to have a healthy heart?  I, personally, pick Option B, but a lot of us have been fooled into thinking that high cholesterol causes heart disease, and that lowering your cholesterol helps you to avoid it.  However there isn’t a skerrick of evidence to support that hypothesis.  Not one single gold standard study has ever shown a direct cause between cholesterol and heart disease.  On the other hand, there’s plenty of evidence that consuming industrial seed oils actually does cause heart disease.  For instance, a recent meta-analysis of the Sydney Diet Heart study conducted in 1966-73 showed that the subjects who replaced the saturated fat in their diet with seed oils had a significantly higher rate of death than the control group (including from all-mortality, cardiovascular disease and coronary heart disease). 

Eww

Another study showed that “omega-6 polyunsaturated fat linoleic acid promotes oxidative stress, oxidised LDL, chronic low-grade inflammation and atherosclerosis, and is likely a major dietary culprit for causing coronary heart disease, especially when consumed in the form of industrial seed oils commonly referred to as vegetable oils”. Damning.

Yet another study, conducted in 2016, re-evaluated the data collected during the famous Minnesota Coronary Experiment and concluded that replacing butter and tallow with seed oils resulted in a 22% higher risk of death for each 30 mg/dL (0.78 mmol/L) reduction in cholesterol.  Once again, the results conclusively show that lower cholesterol equals more death.  The reason the study is so famous is that these were not the results that the scientists were looking for.  So instead of publishing them, they buried the data, hiding it in a garage where it collected dust for years. 

So, the problem with polyunsaturated fats is that they are unstable, which makes them prone to oxidation (usually occurring within days of the oil being produced).  All of those pretty, golden bottles of canola oil, soybean oil, sunflower oil, safflower oil, rice bran oil and peanut oil that you see on the supermarket shelves, with a “Heart Healthy” label slapped on them are chock-full of rancid shit.  And simply put, consuming rancid shit, i.e. oxidised oil, causes oxidative stress in your blood, which causes your blood to clot, which causes thickening and hardening of your arteries, which causes heart disease. 

Eww

So, my suggestion to you is that if you want to avoid heart disease, you might want to think about avoiding oxidative stress in your blood.  And that means avoiding things like pollution, smoking and industrial vegetable oil, which is widely used as an ingredient in most processed foods, from baby formula to salad dressing to anything that’s been deep fried. 

If we were to do a “This is Your Life” retrospective of the seed oils that we are so fanatically encouraged to shovel down our gobs, we would have to take a long trip back in time to the 1870s when William Procter, an English candle-maker, and James Gamble, an Irish soap-maker went into business together making, you guessed it, candles and soap, both of which at the time were produced using rendered pork fat.  When the price of pork fat got too expensive they started looking around for cheaper alternatives, and their enterprising gazes settled on cottonseed oil, a waste product of industrial cotton farming which had previously only been used to light lamps and lubricate industrial machinery.  It was a brilliant innovation and they started mass producing cheap bars of soap using the stuff.  Then one night, Bill and Jim obviously scored some pretty good drugs and got high as fuck, because they decided that hey man, this shit kinda looks like lard, maybe we could make a cooking oil out of it.  And thus was born Crisco, the world’s first cooking oil.  Yum, yum. 

Eww

So let’s talk about why these seed oils are commonly referred to as industrial oils.  From plant to bottle, the product goes through several synthetic chemical processes that include hydrogenation, which uses high pressure, high heat and a petroleum based solvent to ensure the oil remains liquid at room temperature.  The end product of hydrogenation is a rancid oil that needs to be deodorised to remove the bad smell, it needs to be bleached to remove the sludgy colour, and it needs to be winterised to keep it all stable and to extend its shelf life.  Then they have to inject vitamins into it, because all of the above just stripped the oil of any nutritional value it might once have had.  And then you’re supposed to eat this shit. 

Eww

And let’s not forget about the dimethylpolysiloxane, which is a silicone polymer ingredient commonly used as an anti-foaming agent in frying oil.  Oh, and it’s also used in cosmetics, industrial lubrication, caulk, shampoo, condom lubricant and Play-Doh.  So healthy. 

Just knowing how these industrial oils are produced is sufficiently gross that I don’t think I really need to talk too much about their inflammatory effects.  Or that most of them are GMO, and sprayed with glyphosate, a known carcinogen.  Or that heating seed oils produces aldehydes which actually fuck with your DNA, and are associated with the development of Alzheimer’s disease.  Or that strokes are far more common in people who have diets that are low in saturated fat.  Or that they are ridiculously high in omega-6.  I’m just going to stick with the fact that they’re not even something your body recognises as food. 

But, since I mentioned it, what is this omega-6 that people are worried about, anyway?  It’s an essential fatty acid, something that we need to consume a little bit of in our diet because our body doesn’t make it.  Humans are designed to consume omega-6 and omega-3 (found in eggs, and fatty fish like salmon and tuna) in a ratio of 1:1 in order for our bodies to function properly.  But, thanks to the proliferation of seed oils, the standard human diet has seen that ratio balloon out to as high as 20:1, with seed oils making up a whopping 10% of all calories consumed in the standard American diet.  Dr. Artemis Simopoulos, President of The Center for Genetics, Nutrition and Health, in Washington, D.C. says, “A lower ratio of omega-6/omega-3 fatty acids is desirable in reducing the risk of many of the chronic diseases in Western societies.”  And she’s right.  Consumption of omega-6 fatty acids has been shown to increase cardiovascular diseases, inflammatory diseases and autoimmune diseases. 

Oh, and cancer.  Researchers have recently observed a disturbing trend in the uptick of cancer cases, especially amongst young people, with an astonishing 79% rise in diagnoses in the last thirty years.  And they estimate that the global number of new, early-onset cancer cases will increase by another hefty 31% in the next six years.  Sadly (weirdly), the British Medical Journal thinks that the cause of this cancer trend is a diet “high in red meat and salt, and low in fruit and milk”.  So, less meat and more milk would reverse this trend?  For real?  Never mind that the average consumption of red meat is down in the last thirty years.  Never mind that the production of industrial seed oils over the same period is up.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But probably not.  Doesn’t it make sense that putting something so chemical and synthetic into your body, would do it damage? 

Kinda obvious tho?

The LA Veterans Administration Study published in 1969, was originally designed to determine whether a diet that lowers cholesterol also prevents atherosclerosis.  But what they actually found was that the group replacing animal fat with seed oils had an 82% higher chance of dying of cancer than the control group.  This result was alarmingly replicated in a number of other randomised controlled clinical trials over the years, causing the National Institutes of Health to review the data in the 1980s.  And despite the overwhelming evidence pointing to industrial seed oils as the culprit, the official conclusion from the NIH was that the mandate to lower cholesterol was of such high importance that it overrode the cancer results from the studies.  I shit you not. 

Eww

So, I have some questions.  If consuming seed oils causes all this drama, why on earth are they touted as a healthier alternative to saturated fats like butter and lard?  Well, how about $335 billion dollars?  Coz that’s the expected global market share of seed oils in 2025.  Fun fact: in 1948, Proctor & Gamble donated $1,740,000 (worth $17 million today) to the fledgling American Heart Association.  And in 1961, the AHA returned the favour by making the world’s first public health recommendation to replace animal fats with seed oils.  Ain’t capitalism grand? 

Apart from following the money trail, there is another, quite significant, reason for the widespread misconception that industrial seed oils are a healthier alternative to natural animal fat.  And his name is Walter Willett.  As head of nutrition at the Harvard T. H Chan School of Public Health from 1991 to 2017, Willett, a lifelong vegetarian, and an outspoken critic of red meat, has exerted considerable influence over the school’s curriculum, partnerships, research direction and policy advocacy. 

Eww

I think most of us would assume that an institution like Harvard University would practise scientific integrity, transparency and objectivity, right?  I mean, they have a reputation to uphold.  But when we scratch the surface we find that, over a period of decades, Harvard has continuously promoted Willett’s academic papers, despite none of his anti-meat hypotheses ever being confirmed or backed up by a single experiment. 

Critics argue that Willett’s research methodology lacks scientific rigor, heavily relying as it does on epidemiological studies, and regularly dismissing evidence that doesn’t suit his biased objective.  Furthermore, Willett’s personal beliefs, advocacy for a plant-based diet, financial ties to vegetarian-aligned groups, compromised objectivity and numerous conflicts of interest raise concerns about his undue influence, also calling into question the credibility of the Harvard School of Public Health.  Willett is known for aggressively pressuring scientific journals to retract opposing papers, as well as bullying his pro-meat peers and colleagues, further undermining the school’s academic integrity.  So when you see a headline from Harvard stating “Scientists Debunk Claims of Seed Oil Health Risks”, you now know not to take that at face value.  You now know that large corporations and large institutions do not necessarily have your best interests at heart.  You now know better. 

Eww

Yes, seed oils are convenient (they’re cheap, easy to cook with and readily available), but the rate of their consumption consistently parallels the increasing rates of chronic disease.  And if I’ve introduced even a shadow of a doubt in your mind about the risks of consuming these oils (and I hope I have), then my work here is done.  And you are welcome.

Ejo #168 – Just You Shut Your Mouth

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When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor.  I mean I didn’t really, I just thought I did.  I was obsessed with this big, fat book my parents owned, which sat on the bookshelf in our living room.  It was a medical encyclopaedia, an atlas of the body and all its wondrous processes and mysterious biological magic.  I loved that book so much.  I would pore over it for hours on end, and I knew it back to front, which is why I was able to plagiarise from it so frequently and extensively for essays and projects throughout primary school and my early years of high school.  I was so in thrall of the inner workings of the human body, that, even though not a lot of thought went into it, it kind of seemed like a no-brainer that I should, of course, go to medical school and become a doctor. 

English was my best subject in high school, closely followed by Physical Education, which I studied up until Year 12.  I loved English, because I loved writing.  And I loved PE because I loved learning about the human body.  Biomechanics, anatomy, human physiology.  I learned about how muscle fibres contract, aerobic versus anaerobic respiration, all the systems of the body including skeletal, muscular, cardiovascular, respiratory, digestive and reproductive.  I learned about stimulus-response incompatibility, the psychological-refractory period, the single-channel theory and other brain-body functions.  Learning about the human body never felt like work to me, it felt like a gift, and I suppose that added fuel to the whole doctor fantasy. 

As it turned out, however, I didn’t really want to be a doctor after all.  And I certainly wasn’t smart enough, or motivated enough, to make the grades required to get into medical school anyway.  The hours I should have spent studying maths, chemistry and biology in high school were hours I spent writing poetry, short stories and love letters instead.  So when I got my Year 12 results I wasn’t at all surprised that they were well short of the scores required for medicine.  Stubbornly and mindlessly holding onto the ridiculous notion of one day getting into med school, I applied for a Bachelor of Science degree at Monash University with the idea of excelling in my first year and then transferring to a degree in Medicine. I really should have applied for a Bachelor of Arts instead, because hahaha, I did not excel.  Not at academic pursuits anyway.  I did learn how to play a skillful game of poker though, so it wasn’t a total waste of time. 

The dream of becoming a doctor was slowly beaten out of me by reality (thank fuck), and I dropped all interest in the human body for many years.  Until about four or five years ago.  Which is when I started aching.  First it was my elbows, fingers and wrists, and then the aches migrated to my ankles, knees and hips.  I went to several doctors and they all told me that it was just good old wear and tear, and that I was at the age now where shit just all starts sliding downhill.  And I accepted that.  Coz… doctors!!  They know what they’re talking about, right?  Actually, no.  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  They don’t know what they’re talking about.  They really don’t.  They mean well, but they are not the be-all and end-all. 

It was a bit of an epiphany when I realised that doctors are fallible because they are taught things in medical school that are either based on unchallenged junk science, or on science that hasn’t been updated in 50 years.  I think the first time my respect for doctors was seriously challenged was when I did the thirty day carnivore experiment a little over three years ago.  As always I did a metric shit tonne of research for that ejo, and what I learned shook my foundations.  I learned that the Dietary Guidelines for America (which inform those of the rest of the world) are based on very little science at all.  I learned that eating from the food pyramid actually causes rather than prevents obesity, heart attack and diabetes.  I learned that high cholesterol is not bad for you, and yet statins are the most prescribed medication in the world.  And I learned that red meat is unjustly vilified, so why on earth would I listen to a doctor who tells me I need to stop eating red meat when I look at charts like this:

Um… what’s up doc?

So I started getting interested in the body again. Especially my body. And what I’ve done since is just step off the medicine wheel.  I no longer want to do the things that allopathic medicine says I need to do in order to be healthy.  I don’t want to take medicine for high cholesterol, because I know that high cholesterol is protective, rather than something to freak out about, especially for people my age.  I don’t want to have to eat fibre, because I know that fibre is useless (and in a lot of cases, actually harmful).  I don’t want to reduce my salt intake, because I know that salt doesn’t increase blood pressure. 

Over the last few years I’ve really enjoyed the freedom to pursue the best health for myself by completely ignoring what doctors say, and exploring outside of the constrained realms of modern medicine.  I’m at a stage in my life where I want to experiment with improving my own health.  I want to try the kinds of things that I would have laughed and scoffed at, or just dismissed out of hand, in my youth.  Stuff that I would have considered woo-woo or as having no scientific basis.  Coz why the fuck not?  What have I got to lose?  Modern medicine has its place, for sure, but unless I’m in need of surgery or life-saving treatment I’m no longer interested in allopathy as a source of information for my general health and well-being.  I don’t want to be prescribed pills, thank you very much.  For anything.  Ever.  My health is in my own hands, and that is so empowering.    

So yeah, I’ve tried some weird shit.  The carnivore diet is pretty weird, but it works for me.  Coffee naps are weird, but they work for me.  Cold showers are very weird, but they work great for me.  Getting early morning sunlight in my eyes to help me sleep better that night is weird, but it works for me.  Putting red filters on my phone and computer at night to block out all the blue light also works.  And yes, it’s also weird.  But if it works, who cares!! 

Another weird little bio-hack that I want to talk about, that I started doing a couple of years ago, was taping my mouth shut at night.  Yes, I know I’m probably getting some strange looks from some of you about this one.  But I swear there’s something about it that is very comforting and very calming, and which is amazing for helping me go to sleep.  And not only that, there is a lot of evidence to suggest that nasal breathing is far superior to mouth breathing for lots of other reasons.  Not just when you’re sleeping. 

I’ll admit I first came across mouth taping on Instagram accounts that I follow for carnivore tips.  At first I just ignored it as one of those weird, wellness, social-media fads that has no basis in science at all.  I mean, for very good reasons I do not normally get my health advice from Instagram.  But then I listened to a podcast by Dr. Andrew Huberman where he delved into the reasons why it might actually be a good idea to try it.  So I tried it.  And I slept like a baby.  In fact, the first time I taped my mouth for the whole night was the first time in a very long time that I didn’t need to get up four or five times to go to the toilet.  Two years later, I’m still sleeping like a baby.  And I tape with wild abandon.  I tape at night, I tape for my twenty minute coffee naps, and I tape at work on the night shift during my two hour breaks.  If I don’t tape my mouth before sleeping, I feel weird, I feel naked.  But you know what the funny thing is?  If I do happen to find myself without tape, I now sleep with my mouth closed anyway.  I’ve trained myself to keep my mouth shut whether it’s taped or not!  And that’s actually the goal, to become a natural nasal breather. 

Andrew Huberman, Ph.D. (@hubermanlab)

If you have any breathing issues like sleep apnoea, collapsed nostrils, chronic sinusitis or a deviated septum it’s probably a good idea to check with your doctor before trying mouth taping, but if you’re relatively healthy and just looking for a good night’s sleep I reckon you can do what I did and just give it a shot.  Make sure you get special medical tape, and don’t even think about using masking or gaffer tape unless you want to rip the skin off your face.  And you don’t have to wrap the tape all the way around your head like a mummy.  You’re not trying to seal your mouth, just keep your lips together, so a small strip is more than adequate.  David and I use 3M Nexcare Micropore (2.5cm) tape, which is recommended by people in the know.  It’s super cheap, flexible and doesn’t irritate our skin. 

You can get fancier mouth tape, but we don’t bother. 
We’re basic bitches.

So, what’s the point?  Sure, there aren’t a lot of large scale studies on the benefits of mouth taping, but there are a couple of small ones which do show significant improvement in sleep, particularly in those who suffer from obstructive sleep apnoea.  According to Dr. Huberman, nasal breathing allows for greater lung inflation by increasing resistance to breathing.  And it increases the production of nitric oxide six-fold.  Nitric oxide is a miracle molecule that you want to (naturally) produce as much of as possible. It increases oxygen uptake and lowers blood pressure.  And it does that because it’s a vasodilator, it dilates the blood vessels.  So, for those of you guys who might be having a little trouble in the trouser department (wink wink, nudge nudge), nitric oxide is the molecule that is released by Viagra to help with erections.  And you can get the same effect just by becoming a nasal breather.  I told you it was a miracle molecule!!  And if that’s not enough, nitric oxide also kills viruses.  Whaaat? Is there anything it can’t do?! 

Breathing through your nose filters out all the airborne shit flying around in the air and keeps your nasal and respiratory passages moist.  This sounds gross, but trust me you want them to be moist.  When air enters your lungs via your nose, it’s been warmed and humidified and purified, which allows for a better exchange of oxygen and CO2 when it hits your lungs.  Not only that, it helps to prevent the spread of infection, it reduces snoring (which impacts the quality of your sleep), and improves dental hygiene and facial alignment.  In contrast, chronic, habitual mouth breathing has the potential to negatively impact respiratory function and can even result in aesthetic changes to your face (psst… not for the better).  James Nestor, author of the book “Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art”, says, “Inhaling air through the mouth decreases pressure, which causes the soft tissues in the back of the mouth to become loose and flex inward, creating less space and making breathing more difficult”.  So why would you breathe through your mouth?

In 2018, Nestor participated in an experiment in which he blocked his nose for ten days in order to see what impact mouth breathing would have on his health markers and feelings of wellbeing.  Five years later he says he is still suffering PTSD from being forced to breathe through his mouth 24 hours a day.  He also says that it triggered almost immediate hypertension and obstructive sleep apnoea.  His cortisol levels skyrocketed, and his heart rate variability took a dive.  And he went from not snoring at all to progressively snoring for most of the night, which of course affected the quality of his sleep.  Immediately after that experiment, he switched to ten days of nasal breathing (helped along with mouth taping at night) and he said his health went from completely wrecked to completely normal, just by changing the pathway through which he breathed air.  In other words, breathing through your nose is the best default state for respiration.  So if you can train yourself to be a nasal breather, like I did, you’ll see lots of benefits beyond a good night’s sleep. 

It is a little scary at first, taping your mouth shut when you’re going to sleep.  Like, am I going to be able to breathe?  Am I going to die in my sleep?  The answer to that is no, you’re not going to die.  Your body is a marvellously high-tech, fine-tuned instrument and, even if you have a blocked nose, it can sense that your mouth is closed and will always clear a nasal passage for you to be able to breathe (this might not be true of everyone, but it does apply to most people).  I was even able to tape my mouth shut when I had covid, during which my nose was so blocked that absolutely no air was going in or out.  Remarkable, huh?  I’d tape up and lie down and boom, I could suddenly breathe through my nose.  Sometimes it took a few minutes to unclog and clear up properly, but it always did.  And the other great thing about taping during covid was that even though I had a terrible cough, I never coughed at night. 

If you’re a bit nervous about asphyxiating in your sleep (which I promise you, will not happen), you can place the tape vertically, rather than horizontally, which will allow you to breathe through the sides of your mouth, even as your lips are encouraged to sit together.  Another tip is to start taping while you’re awake, just to get used to the idea.  Build up to it, starting with ten minutes a day.  Then half an hour.  Whatever it takes to acclimate to it.  And then you can start taping at night, and realise all the wonderful health benefits of nasal breathing.  If you do try this, I would really love to hear about your experience so please shoot me an email and let me know how you went. 

Happy new year, goodnight and sweet dreams.

Ejo #156 – The Coronavirus Diaries

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DAY 0
Monday, 5th December 2022
David and I treated our friend Kayte to a night at a desert resort yesterday, as a present for her 50th birthday. Sadly we could only stay for one night, but we all had an absolute blast.  And yes, we are amazing friends.  When you visit us in Dubai as many times as Kayte has (five!), we might even do the same for you. 😉

The Ritz Carlton Al Wadi Resort in Ras Al Khaimah

After a leisurely buffet breakfast this morning, Kayte indulged in a relaxing massage at the spa while David and I indulged in a naughty skinny dip in our private pool.  Before we knew it though, the fairy tale was over and the three of us piled into David’s car for the 90 minute drive back to reality.  On the way home my throat started feeling scratchy, which I put down to the dry desert air playing havoc.  But as the day has worn on, my throat has started feeling worse, and I just know that I am coming down with something. 

I’m hoping against hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow with the same terrible flu that’s been spreading around Dubai like wildfire lately.  I had lunch with Zimmy last week and she’s been really sick with the flu for several days, so I’m a little worried.  I really can’t afford any more time off work.  I’ve already used up 14 days of sick leave, and any more time off will be docked at half pay.  Don’t judge me, it’s been a bad year for me.  I had influenza in February which laid me up for nearly two weeks, and I broke my ankle in October, so I’ve been quite the sickie this year. 

Kayte’s flying on to Australia tomorrow morning, but David and I have to wake up at an ungodly hour for work, so the three of us said our goodbyes, and went to bed.  As soon as I lay down, I started trembling uncontrollably, despite my skin feeling hot to the touch.  I shivered with a fever well into the night, until David gave me some paracetamol and ibuprofen and I finally drifted off to sleep. 

DAY 1
Tuesday, 6th December 2022
I woke up feeling OK.  Not great, but not fluey, thank god.  I went to work and napped during both of my breaks.  David and I had an early dinner and I’m getting ready for bed now.  It’s early, only 8pm, but I have another 4am wake up tomorrow and I’m just so tired. 

DAY 2
Wednesday, 7th December 2022
I woke up feeling pretty shit and my nose is super blocked, but I slept like the dead last night.  I think I just have a cold.  It doesn’t feel like the flu, so it looks like Zimmy’s off the hook.  I went to work and felt OK at the beginning, but slowly started to deteriorate later in the morning.  When I returned to the tower after taking a quick nap on my break, my colleague Bradwin took one horrified look at me and told me that I should really [his emphasis] go home.  At that moment, I would have loved nothing more in the whole world than to turn around and go home, but I knew that it would be frowned upon if I took another sick day, so I snapped at him that I was fine, and went back to work.  On my next break though, I realised that I wasn’t fine at all and that I was getting a lot worse.  Maybe I have the flu after all.  I told my manager I wasn’t feeling well and he sent me home without docking me sick leave, which I was really grateful for.  When I got home David made me a hot toddy, and I texted Zimmy to let her know that I was feeling ill and that I must have caught the flu from her.  Which is when she dropped the bomb.  She doesn’t have the flu at all. She has covid.  Uh oh.  

I immediately took a rapid antigen test to see if I also have it, and the test very definitively showed a positive result.  Did I already say uh oh?  David quickly arranged for a home PCR test for us, and the doctor arrived a couple of hours later, sticking his swab eye-wateringly deep into our brains.  Ouch.  We have to wait until tomorrow for the results, but during the evening, I have progressively become worse.  My head feels like it’s full of wet cement, and I feel dizzy, almost like I’m hallucinating.  My eyes are burning.  My nose is dripping, but when I blow it nothing comes out.  My mouth is dry.  My throat is scratchy, and my voice has become raspy.  The glands in my neck are swollen, and I don’t feel good at all.  David isn’t feeling great either, but I think he’s slightly better than me.  I really hope he doesn’t have covid.  I hope I don’t have it either. 

DAY 3
Thursday, 8th December 2022
We got our results this morning and we’re both positive.  I kinda feel like I just lost a global game of lethal tag after nearly three years of dodging this damn virus like a ninja.  Hopefully we don’t die! 

Today my brain feels way too heavy for my head, and my head feels too heavy for my neck, so it’s just kind of swaying around a bit, and it feels difficult to keep it upright.  My ears are completely blocked, so everything sounds muffled.  My eyes feel like they’re about to pop out of my head, and are watering non-stop.  My body feels numb, tingling like it’s entered a weird quantum state; a probability vibrating in place, with some kind of foreign, dirty electricity violently coursing through my veins.  So this is what coronavirus feels like. 

There hasn’t been a lot of movement today.  I’ve been sitting on our balcony looking out and not doing much at all.  The coughing is getting worse, triggered by a dry, itchy throat.  A doctor once told me that coughing makes coughing worse, so I’m trying really hard not to cough and to keep my throat lubricated, as I’m prone to chest infections, having suffered chronic bronchitis since my twenties.  Funnily enough, the pandemic was the first time in years I didn’t have my annual bout of bronchitis.  Masks, they work! 

Feeling like wet shit is coming in waves, like a heavy blanket being lifted and dropped on top of me, over and over again.  I’m really tired despite doing nothing, and all I want to do is lie on the couch.  I made an appointment for us to have a teleconference with a doctor to try and get some antiviral medication to help us feel better, but she told us that we didn’t need it and that we should just treat our symptoms.  Oh well.  I haven’t had much of an appetite, but I craved Chinese hot and sour soup for dinner so David ordered some for us and it really hit the spot.

DAY 4
Friday, 9th December 2022
Today I woke up early to watch the sun rise and get some UVA light in my eyes.  I’m planning on taking plenty of naps during the day so I don’t mind getting up at daybreak.  I wasn’t sleeping well anyway.  David tells me I was moaning all night long.  I plead no contest. 

I still feel weird, at once fuzzy and dense.  When I put my feet up, they prickle with pins and needles.  My head is so fucking blocked, all the way from the back of my throat, into my sinuses and up to my ears and eyes.  I feel light headed and tired.  Lethargic.  I’m not having trouble breathing, but the act of breathing feels laborious.  I’m trying to read a book but finding it difficult to concentrate.  We can’t leave the house, but we’re spending a lot of time outside on our balcony getting lots of natural sunlight and fresh air, and I feel like that must be helping. 

It was midday when I noticed that I have lost my sense of smell.  During a brief phase of feeling well enough to get off the couch, I went through the stack of unopened packages that have been piling up near the front door over the last few days.  I unwrapped a white jasmine reed diffuser that I bought for the bathroom and took a whiff to see how it smelled and… nothing.  I’m quite blocked up so I asked David if can smell it and he can.  A couple of hours later, when we were having our lunch, I realised that I could no longer taste anything either.  It truly is such a strange feeling, to be chewing on something that I am very familiar with the taste of, and not be able to taste it.  My brain keeps trying to fill in the gaps, knowing what steak should taste like, but it’s really not the same.  David confessed to accidentally over-salting the meat, but my taste buds were completely oblivious. 

Hmm, I think I’m hallucinating.  I was looking at some NFTs that I bought the other day and one of them seemed to change size, getting bigger on the screen.  I can’t tell if it’s supposed to do that or if I’m just imagining it.  It might only be 8pm, but I think it’s time for me to go to bed. 

DAY 5
Saturday, 10th December 2022
I’m grateful that I don’t feel any worse today, but I don’t feel any better either.  I still don’t have my senses of smell or taste, but I’m not too worried about it.  I’m trying to be patient, and just hope that they return soon.  This is no ordinary virus and I’m one of the lucky ones so far.  My cough does appear to have settled a little deeper in my chest, which is of some concern.  It’s also changed from a dry cough into a productive one.  That’s a polite way of saying that I’m hacking up phlegm. 

David and I are both still really blocked up.  We have trouble hearing each other at the best of times, but now our conversations sound like a comedy sketch, “Huh?”, “Huhh?”, “What?”, “Huh?”, “Did you say something?”  Despite being sick though, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with my husband in our beautiful home, locked in and everyone else locked out.  It’s a balmy 26° outside, and we’re chilling on our balcony in the glorious winter sun.  So it’s not all bad. 

My sense of chronology appears to be playing tricks on me.  Time feels slippery, and bouncy.  Things that I remember happening yesterday, apparently happened the day before.  And things I was sure I did only two hours ago, David assures me I actually did yesterday.  It’s very weird, but again, I’m trying not to worry too much about the dreaded “brain fog”, one of the legacy symptoms of covid.  I am in a total fugue state and nothing feels real right now.  I’ll just keep writing it down, and try to make sense of it all later, once the delirium has faded. 

DAY 6
Sunday, 11th December 2022
Today I woke up having turned into a big ol’ ball of phlegm.  Cannot stop coughing up the phlegm.  Cannot stop blowing the phlegm out of my nose. It’s phlegmageddon!!  Last night I had one of the worst headaches of my entire life so I’m grateful that I just have a regular headache this morning.  

I just received an auto-generated clearance letter from the Dubai Health Authority congratulating me on the completion of my mandated isolation, optimistically (and quite absurdly) declaring me asymptomatic and wishing me well in my return to work. Hahaha!

Today’s mood: I lay on the couch at 11.30am, knocked back the cough medicine that David slipped me, and passed out for the next five hours.  I just slept the day away, and still woke up feeling like a zombie.  David’s getting better every day, so I’m hoping tomorrow is the day I start feeling better too.

DAY 7
Monday, 12th December 2022
I did wake up feeling better today, for the first time since getting on the coronavirus rollercoaster.  The phlegm party is over, no more phlegm.  I’ve slept 13 out of the last 19 hours, so I’m well rested.  But I still have no energy.  I do one simple task and then flop for the next two hours.  This is no fun. 

This morning, while flossing my teeth, I was abruptly king-hit in the schnozz by the overwhelming fragrance of jasmine.  Just like that, outta nowhere.  I ran over to the reed diffuser and took a deep sniff of it, but couldn’t smell anything.  So bizarre.  I tried again, but nope, nada.  Had I imagined it?  I didn’t think so; the smell had been so very intense.  A few minutes later, a powerful punch of jasmine once again violated my nose.  I am starting to smell again.  Yay!!!  Taste is still nowhere to be seen, but one of my senses returning to life, albeit intermittently, gives me hope that the other will also soon reawaken. 

DAY 8
Tuesday, 13th December 2022
Overall, I’m feeling better today.  But the phlegm is back.  Where has it been?  Why did it return?  What adventures has it been on?  I’ll never know, but I do know that it’s all up in my shit.  And that it’s brought a friend back with it.  Hello again, sore throat.  My sense of smell is playing more games with me too.  While I was preparing breakfast, the stench of pig shit suddenly filled my nostrils.  It was only fleeting, but as you can imagine it was pretty fucking unsettling.  My sister has warned me of the horrors of parosmia, a common symptom of covid where normal everyday smells are interpreted by the brain as unpleasant, disgusting and even putrid.  Nice, right?  Also, I’m smelling the jasmine all the time now and I’m not even sure I like it. And why does the whole apartment smell of it? Is that the parosmia, or did I just buy a terrible bathroom fragrance? 

I feel gross today.  Dirty almost, as if there’s something toxic and metallic oozing out of the pores of my skin.  My cough has definitely worsened too. When I write about these symptoms, it’s not as black and white as oh, I have a cough.  Or oh, my throat is sore.  All of it is experienced through a thick veil of severe lethargy and fatigue.  Just sitting down and staring into space feels exhausting.  Every bout of coughing results in exhaustion.  Everything is an effort.  That’s what makes this so crap.  The good news is that David is almost completely better. 

DAY 9
Wednesday, 14th December 2022
I feel much, much better this morning so I think I’ll be fine to go back to work in a couple of days.  Today was the first time the veil of darkness hasn’t engulfed me.  I was also able to taste my food today, and while my appetite still isn’t what it used to be, it tasted really good (and was, of course, perfectly seasoned).  I am still coughing, and the cough has become raspy and wheezy, rattling in my chest, but apart from that I mostly feel OK.  Hey kids, this might be the beginning of the end of covid for me.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there will be no long-term health issues, and that I recover fully. 

DAY 10
Thursday, 15th December 2022
In a step backwards from yesterday’s progress, I once again feel the veil of fuzziness and lethargy enveloping me like a dark shroud.  What a palaver.  I just had another PCR test.  The person administering the test didn’t want to come inside (fair call, our place is a den of viral contagion) and so I had to submit my nostrils to being swabbed outside, in the corridor.  Oh, the humanity.  I’ll report the result as soon as I get it. 

I’m still being hoofed in the face every time I go to the bathroom.  The smell of jasmine is oppressively cloying and sickly to my newly sensitive sense of smell.  And ever since yesterday, I’ve had a funny taste in my mouth.  Not quite metallic, a little bit plasticky.  I imagine this is what the white jasmine oil would taste like if I drank it. Every damn day, it’s something new with this virus.  And I don’t like it at all. 

I got the test result back at 1.21pm.  Negative. 

PROLOGUE
More than two weeks after testing negative to covid I am almost back to normal.  I did feel tired in the days after returning to work, but not in a covid way, just in a regular shift work kind of way.  I was very gentle with myself and went to bed early every night, waking up early to watch the sunrise and get my hormones back in balance.  There was only one day, about a week ago when I experienced what felt like a relapse.  The cloak of exhaustion absolutely flattened me and I could barely move all day.  It was as though the production of energy in my body had simply shut down.  I was digging deep to find the strength to just get up off the couch, and there was nothing there.  I was empty.  I do think that this episode was triggered by going back to shift work so soon after being sick, but thank goodness it only lasted one day and since then, I’ve been fine. 

One symptom that has lingered, as feared, is this terrible, hacking cough.  I’ve been diagnosed with acute bronchitis, and have just finished a course of antibiotics which has improved it a little bit, but it’s still pretty bad.  Talking exacerbates it, but unfortunately my job requires me to talk to pilots all day long.  That’s what I do.  And so the worst coughing spells are at work.  It’s a horrible, irritatingly dry cough and it’s extraordinarily annoying – for me, and for the people around me.  My colleagues are being so lovely about it, expressing concern and offering me cups of tea and honey to soothe my throat.  But nothing seems to be helping.  I was told by a doctor, and a nurse, that my cough will probably last a couple of months.  Sad face. 

Oh yeah, and it turns out that the jasmine reed diffuser really was a dud.