Learning About Me

Ejo #157 – Gratitude

Today, I was grateful to get up early, watch the sun rise and put the finishing touches on this ejo.  Yesterday, I was grateful to be able to give my friend a hug after learning that his mum had died the night before.  And on Sunday, I was grateful to spend the day picnicking with my sisters, aunt and cousins in Cape Schanck.  I am a gratitude queen, able to find things to be grateful for, even in the most difficult of circumstances.  Damn, I could represent Australia at the Gratitude Olympics.  I am that good.  But how did I get there?  How did my gratitude muscle get that strong?  Just as an elite athlete needs a team, a coach, and a training partner to improve their physical performance, I too have a training partner. A gratitude partner.  Someone who has committed to the challenge of sharing gratitudes with me.  Every. Single. Day. No. Matter. What.

I’ve known my friend Melinda for about 28 or 29 years (shut up, you’re old!).  We even lived together for a while in the mid 1990s with our friend Svetlana.  But after we all moved out and went our separate ways, Melinda and I didn’t stay super close.  Like most of my friendships after I moved to Dubai, we’d exchange an email every now and again, and we’d catch up at the big parties that David and I throw whenever we visit Melbourne.  And that was OK. It was enough.  

But that all changed eight years ago today, when Mel and I started a challenge to email each other one gratitude a day for a whole year.  We both happened to be going through a rough patch at the time, struggling to find positivity in our day to day lives.  Melinda was feeling overwhelmed as a working mum to two young boys, trying to balance work and family commitments.  And I was missing my friends and family in Australia.  I yearned for the easygoing way of life back home, and wasn’t enjoying living in Dubai at all.  Everything about the city was getting on my nerves, and bringing me down.  And I wasn’t afraid to write about it.  In fact, some of you might remember that I used to write a very acerbic ejo series called Things I Hate About Dubai, in which I unabashedly bashed the shit out of the city, on the regular.  I used to really enjoy doing that, but in January 2015 I decided to decommission that series when a reader of mine called Flo wrote to me to express dismay at my attitude.  

Flo scolded me, “I am so disappointed by your latest post, and this will be the last one I read from you, as we do not share the same vision of expatriation.  Indeed I am very disappointed by the way you think.  I experience this every day in France where I keep hearing people say they don’t like anything (or anyone) about it, and it just pisses me off.  This is so disrespectful.  You may not understand, and you might even be angry at me, telling me not to come back to your ejo if I don’t like it.  But I just need to express myself!”

For my January 2015 ejo, which was titled Freedom, I responded to Flo, and defended my right to express dissatisfaction with certain aspects of life in Dubai.  But secretly, Flo’s words had pierced my heart like an arrow.  I had imagined that I was coming across as mischievous and spicy, but what was happening when I allowed myself to wallow in my negativity was that I just came across as… well, negative.  And I didn’t want to be negative.  I’d spent too much time and money on therapy to allow myself to slide back into old thought patterns and behaviours.  So while I publicly justified my opinions, I privately resolved to not write a single bad word about Dubai for a whole year.  For my own mental health and wellbeing.  I wanted to change.  I wanted to do better.

While I was making an effort to be more positive by not slinging shit at Dubai, Mel was doing something even more proactive and constructive to bring more joy into her life.  You all remember the #100happydays challenge, right?  Post a photo a day of something that makes you happy.  For one hundred days.  It was a lovely idea, encouraging participants to focus on all the positive things in their lives.  The challenge went viral, generating over 30 million happy moment posts on Facebook.  I probably should have taken part in the challenge, but I remember just not feeling it.  It seemed a little forced and superficial to me, which is probably an indication of where my head was at.  Melinda did take part in the challenge, and she got a lot out of it.  But once she’d finished the hundred days, she was left with a feeling of “now what?”  It occurred to her that a longer term commitment to a daily practise of positivity would be more beneficial than a flash-in-the-pan, social media challenge.  Something she could share privately with a trusted friend, rather than posting online.  Being a Doctor of Psychology, Mel knew that the idea was a good one, but she was unsure of how to implement it in a practical way. 

And then she read my Freedom ejo.  And she had a lightbulb moment.  She wrote to me, “My unrequested thoughts/suggestion for you to do with as you wish.  For improving your ongoing wellbeing in the place you reside, I think there is much to gain in training your mind to see and appreciate even the smallest positives around you each and every day.  Even in the country I love I’ve found myself in the mental habit of critiquing every experience and overlooking so many positives.  The 100 happy days challenge helped to shift my mindset, as I was struggling to focus on the upside of everyday life.  It definitely helped to be publicly forced to find something, anything, each and every day.  I often consider doing 365 happy days!  Instead I’ve decided to do “gratefuls” this year.  Here’s what I’d like to propose.  I will send my grateful to you each day.  Don’t feel you have to respond in detail, or at all.  If you’d like to share your gratitude in return, well, that would be an amazing honour.”

Of course I said yes.  And the rest is history.  Along the way we negotiated some guidelines.  We’d exchange a gratitude, every day for a whole year.  We would make an effort to not repeat ourselves, so that we would always be on the lookout for new things to be grateful for.  And our gratitude emails would be a no-complaint zone.  The goal of the project was to be totally focussed on things that we were grateful for, and not an opportunity to whinge about life.  We both understood that the intention of this wasn’t to paint an unnaturally rosy picture of our days, but rather to acknowledge that despite the inevitability of things not always going our way, we could still find something to be grateful for.  

Melinda and me in 2015, less than a month after starting our gratitude challenge.

I remember how delighted I was after just the first few days of exchanging gratitudes.  From the very beginning it felt like a really positive and optimistic ritual, and I really enjoyed reconnecting with Melinda, and reigniting our friendship, getting to know each other all over again.  Getting to know each other even better than before.  

But devastatingly, only fourteen days into our challenge, Mel’s mettle was sorely tested when she received some terrible news about her close friend Cara.  She wrote to me, “Today I’m struggling to be grateful as I learned some very sad news that one of my closest friends has cancer that has metastasised to her bones.  So I guess I’m grateful for my health, and that she feels supported by me.”

Over the next five years, our daily gratitude practise helped Melinda deal with the burden of initially having to keep her friend’s diagnosis a secret, of being there when Cara needed her, and of knowing when to step back when she needed space.  Melinda was there when her close friend battled chemotherapy and radiation therapy, and she supported her when she became sicker after taking part in an experimental trial.  She held hope for her friend, even when things were hopeless.  She honoured Cara’s final wishes, and at the end she said goodbye, long before she was ready to let go.  Mel tells me that our daily gratitude practise got her through the hardest five years of her life.  And I am beyond grateful that I was able to be there for her, in that way.

Today marks the 2922nd day that Melinda and I have exchanged daily gratitudes.  What started as a one year challenge, blossomed into something that I can’t even imagine my life without, and the two of us have been at it for eight, glorious, years.  Along the way we’ve both become more positive and more resilient.  We’ve both learned to laugh in the face of adversity, and we’ve developed the ability to find acceptance and peace when things don’t go our way.  For instance, on Thursday, 19th January 2017 I had a skiing accident on the slopes of Nagano, Japan tearing the ACL in my good knee.  My email to Mel that day read, “Today I was grateful beyond belief to everyone that helped me when I crashed on the mountain and hurt my knee.  David, who came running down to check on me and then carried BOTH our pairs of skis back up a very steep slope.  The ski instructor who noticed I wasn’t well and called the ski patrol.  The ski patrol people who skied me off the mountain on a special stretcher.  The hotel who sent someone in a car to pick us up so we didn’t need to catch the bus, and then drove us to the doctor.  The clinic where they looked at me straight away and were so kind.  The lady at the hotel who was SO concerned for me and let me lean on her as I limped to the elevator – later on, at dinner, she made me a beautiful origami crane and told me she hopes I feel better soon.  It’s been heart-warming to the max.”  

I know that in the past I would have let that accident wreck my day, my holiday and even the next few months of my life, as I hobbled around in pain.  I know that I would have wallowed in self-pity and misery.  And the reason I know it is because that’s exactly what happened in 1995 when I tore the ACL ligament in my other leg in another skiing accident (no, I’m not a very good skier).  But my gratitude practise gave me the ability to rise above it this time, and to deal with it positively.  It allowed me to see that my injury didn’t have to define me, and that despite it being a bit of a bummer, there were so many other, wonderful things to focus on.  I was getting really good at this gratitude thing.  

And then my Mum died. And somehow, I was still able to find a number of things to be grateful for, even on the worst day of my life. On the 26th March 2019, I wrote to Melinda, “I feel tremendous gratitude to my Mum for all her unconditional love my whole life.  I am grateful that she and I texted yesterday, and that we got to see her recently on our trip back home.  I am grateful to David for being so supportive and caring and loving and gentle.  And for buying us both tickets back home.  I’m an absolute mess right now but really grateful that even during something as devastating as this I can still find things to be grateful for.”

When you can look around you and see things to be grateful for, when everything else in your life is falling apart, you’ve reached a higher state.  You rise above.  You transcend.  And that is a super power.  Daily gratitude has given me fortitude.  No matter what happens, everything is OK.  It’s always OK.  

Melinda’s not the only person I exchange daily gratitudes with.  My sister Mary and I also do it, via text.  We started about four and a half years ago when we both took part in Zimmy’s Happiness Project, a three month course designed to rewire our thoughts and actions, creating new habits scientifically geared towards increasing our happiness.  A major pillar of that course focussed on gratitude, and one of the tasks was to share five daily gratitudes with a partner.  I was already really adept at finding gratitude in my day to day life with Melinda, but Zimmy’s project required a little more.  Not only did it call for five gratitudes a day, it also required them to be shared with someone in person (or via video).  I was really grateful that my sister was doing the project with me, and that she accepted my invitation to be video gratitude partners.  It was still a task that took me slightly out of my comfort zone, but doing it with a family member, someone I loved and trusted, made it a lot easier.  During the three month project, Mary and I exchanged videos every single day, talking about all the things we were grateful for, which was a beautiful way to feel more involved in my sister’s life, something which I’d always felt I was missing out on, living so far away from her.  It was a wonderful and easy way to get to know her better.  It deepened our relationship and helped us create a more enduring bond.  

I feel the same deep bond with Melinda.  She shares her intimate life with me.  I know when she’s had a great Pilates session, when her husband cooks a yummy dinner, when her teenage sons help around the house, and when she’s had a good night’s sleep.  And I share parts of my life that no-one else in the world, apart from my husband, knows.  Melinda knows when I’m happy.  She knows when I’ve had a good day at work.  When I’ve had a relaxing bath.  When I’ve had an earth shattering orgasm.  When I’ve found what I’m looking for at the supermarket, or when my favourite colleague is rostered to work with me.  Melinda knows when I’ve had an interesting dream, and when I’ve been upgraded to business class on a flight.  She knows when I’ve had a satisfying shit.  When I’ve been paid, and when I’ve been able to bring one of my houseplants back to life with a little extra TLC.  She knows when I’ve found a spare lip balm in my car and when I’ve discovered a really cool new TV show.  She knows when I have fresh towels, and when I sleep on fresh, clean sheets.  She knows when there’s soft toilet paper at work, and when someone’s recommended a great new podcast.  Melinda knows when I’ve had a breakthrough in one of my sessions with Zimmy, when the price of Bitcoin’s trending up and when the tower toilet, which is prone to blocking, is flushing again.  And she knows all the wonderful, thoughtful, kind, generous things David does for me every single day. She knows everything about my life, and being able to share that all with her is a beautiful gift for which I am very grateful.  

Melinda and me a couple of days ago. Gratitude partners for life!

In 2015, when Melinda and I first committed to our daily gratitude challenge, it was a challenge.  Sometimes it was hard to find something to be grateful for.  Sometimes I really struggled.  And sometimes it just felt impossible.  But we stuck it out, and we got better.  We got really fucking good at it.  I really do feel that if more people practiced daily gratitude, the world would be a much better place.  My life is undoubtedly better for it, and I want to be able to pay that forward.  If sharing a daily gratitude with a friend sounds like something you’d like to try, then I’m your girl, so hit me up and let’s do this. It might be hard at first, but if you stick to it, it’ll get easier.  I promise. 

Ejo #156 – The Coronavirus Diaries

DAY 0
Monday, 5th December 2022
David and I treated our friend Kayte to a night at a desert resort yesterday, as a present for her 50th birthday. Sadly we could only stay for one night, but we all had an absolute blast.  And yes, we are amazing friends.  When you visit us in Dubai as many times as Kayte has (five!), we might even do the same for you. 😉

The Ritz Carlton Al Wadi Resort in Ras Al Khaimah

After a leisurely buffet breakfast this morning, Kayte indulged in a relaxing massage at the spa while David and I indulged in a naughty skinny dip in our private pool.  Before we knew it though, the fairy tale was over and the three of us piled into David’s car for the 90 minute drive back to reality.  On the way home my throat started feeling scratchy, which I put down to the dry desert air playing havoc.  But as the day has worn on, my throat has started feeling worse, and I just know that I am coming down with something. 

I’m hoping against hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow with the same terrible flu that’s been spreading around Dubai like wildfire lately.  I had lunch with Zimmy last week and she’s been really sick with the flu for several days, so I’m a little worried.  I really can’t afford any more time off work.  I’ve already used up 14 days of sick leave, and any more time off will be docked at half pay.  Don’t judge me, it’s been a bad year for me.  I had influenza in February which laid me up for nearly two weeks, and I broke my ankle in October, so I’ve been quite the sickie this year. 

Kayte’s flying on to Australia tomorrow morning, but David and I have to wake up at an ungodly hour for work, so the three of us said our goodbyes, and went to bed.  As soon as I lay down, I started trembling uncontrollably, despite my skin feeling hot to the touch.  I shivered with a fever well into the night, until David gave me some paracetamol and ibuprofen and I finally drifted off to sleep. 

DAY 1
Tuesday, 6th December 2022
I woke up feeling OK.  Not great, but not fluey, thank god.  I went to work and napped during both of my breaks.  David and I had an early dinner and I’m getting ready for bed now.  It’s early, only 8pm, but I have another 4am wake up tomorrow and I’m just so tired. 

DAY 2
Wednesday, 7th December 2022
I woke up feeling pretty shit and my nose is super blocked, but I slept like the dead last night.  I think I just have a cold.  It doesn’t feel like the flu, so it looks like Zimmy’s off the hook.  I went to work and felt OK at the beginning, but slowly started to deteriorate later in the morning.  When I returned to the tower after taking a quick nap on my break, my colleague Bradwin took one horrified look at me and told me that I should really [his emphasis] go home.  At that moment, I would have loved nothing more in the whole world than to turn around and go home, but I knew that it would be frowned upon if I took another sick day, so I snapped at him that I was fine, and went back to work.  On my next break though, I realised that I wasn’t fine at all and that I was getting a lot worse.  Maybe I have the flu after all.  I told my manager I wasn’t feeling well and he sent me home without docking me sick leave, which I was really grateful for.  When I got home David made me a hot toddy, and I texted Zimmy to let her know that I was feeling ill and that I must have caught the flu from her.  Which is when she dropped the bomb.  She doesn’t have the flu at all. She has covid.  Uh oh.  

I immediately took a rapid antigen test to see if I also have it, and the test very definitively showed a positive result.  Did I already say uh oh?  David quickly arranged for a home PCR test for us, and the doctor arrived a couple of hours later, sticking his swab eye-wateringly deep into our brains.  Ouch.  We have to wait until tomorrow for the results, but during the evening, I have progressively become worse.  My head feels like it’s full of wet cement, and I feel dizzy, almost like I’m hallucinating.  My eyes are burning.  My nose is dripping, but when I blow it nothing comes out.  My mouth is dry.  My throat is scratchy, and my voice has become raspy.  The glands in my neck are swollen, and I don’t feel good at all.  David isn’t feeling great either, but I think he’s slightly better than me.  I really hope he doesn’t have covid.  I hope I don’t have it either. 

DAY 3
Thursday, 8th December 2022
We got our results this morning and we’re both positive.  I kinda feel like I just lost a global game of lethal tag after nearly three years of dodging this damn virus like a ninja.  Hopefully we don’t die! 

Today my brain feels way too heavy for my head, and my head feels too heavy for my neck, so it’s just kind of swaying around a bit, and it feels difficult to keep it upright.  My ears are completely blocked, so everything sounds muffled.  My eyes feel like they’re about to pop out of my head, and are watering non-stop.  My body feels numb, tingling like it’s entered a weird quantum state; a probability vibrating in place, with some kind of foreign, dirty electricity violently coursing through my veins.  So this is what coronavirus feels like. 

There hasn’t been a lot of movement today.  I’ve been sitting on our balcony looking out and not doing much at all.  The coughing is getting worse, triggered by a dry, itchy throat.  A doctor once told me that coughing makes coughing worse, so I’m trying really hard not to cough and to keep my throat lubricated, as I’m prone to chest infections, having suffered chronic bronchitis since my twenties.  Funnily enough, the pandemic was the first time in years I didn’t have my annual bout of bronchitis.  Masks, they work! 

Feeling like wet shit is coming in waves, like a heavy blanket being lifted and dropped on top of me, over and over again.  I’m really tired despite doing nothing, and all I want to do is lie on the couch.  I made an appointment for us to have a teleconference with a doctor to try and get some antiviral medication to help us feel better, but she told us that we didn’t need it and that we should just treat our symptoms.  Oh well.  I haven’t had much of an appetite, but I craved Chinese hot and sour soup for dinner so David ordered some for us and it really hit the spot.

DAY 4
Friday, 9th December 2022
Today I woke up early to watch the sun rise and get some UVA light in my eyes.  I’m planning on taking plenty of naps during the day so I don’t mind getting up at daybreak.  I wasn’t sleeping well anyway.  David tells me I was moaning all night long.  I plead no contest. 

I still feel weird, at once fuzzy and dense.  When I put my feet up, they prickle with pins and needles.  My head is so fucking blocked, all the way from the back of my throat, into my sinuses and up to my ears and eyes.  I feel light headed and tired.  Lethargic.  I’m not having trouble breathing, but the act of breathing feels laborious.  I’m trying to read a book but finding it difficult to concentrate.  We can’t leave the house, but we’re spending a lot of time outside on our balcony getting lots of natural sunlight and fresh air, and I feel like that must be helping. 

It was midday when I noticed that I have lost my sense of smell.  During a brief phase of feeling well enough to get off the couch, I went through the stack of unopened packages that have been piling up near the front door over the last few days.  I unwrapped a white jasmine reed diffuser that I bought for the bathroom and took a whiff to see how it smelled and… nothing.  I’m quite blocked up so I asked David if can smell it and he can.  A couple of hours later, when we were having our lunch, I realised that I could no longer taste anything either.  It truly is such a strange feeling, to be chewing on something that I am very familiar with the taste of, and not be able to taste it.  My brain keeps trying to fill in the gaps, knowing what steak should taste like, but it’s really not the same.  David confessed to accidentally over-salting the meat, but my taste buds were completely oblivious. 

Hmm, I think I’m hallucinating.  I was looking at some NFTs that I bought the other day and one of them seemed to change size, getting bigger on the screen.  I can’t tell if it’s supposed to do that or if I’m just imagining it.  It might only be 8pm, but I think it’s time for me to go to bed. 

DAY 5
Saturday, 10th December 2022
I’m grateful that I don’t feel any worse today, but I don’t feel any better either.  I still don’t have my senses of smell or taste, but I’m not too worried about it.  I’m trying to be patient, and just hope that they return soon.  This is no ordinary virus and I’m one of the lucky ones so far.  My cough does appear to have settled a little deeper in my chest, which is of some concern.  It’s also changed from a dry cough into a productive one.  That’s a polite way of saying that I’m hacking up phlegm. 

David and I are both still really blocked up.  We have trouble hearing each other at the best of times, but now our conversations sound like a comedy sketch, “Huh?”, “Huhh?”, “What?”, “Huh?”, “Did you say something?”  Despite being sick though, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with my husband in our beautiful home, locked in and everyone else locked out.  It’s a balmy 26° outside, and we’re chilling on our balcony in the glorious winter sun.  So it’s not all bad. 

My sense of chronology appears to be playing tricks on me.  Time feels slippery, and bouncy.  Things that I remember happening yesterday, apparently happened the day before.  And things I was sure I did only two hours ago, David assures me I actually did yesterday.  It’s very weird, but again, I’m trying not to worry too much about the dreaded “brain fog”, one of the legacy symptoms of covid.  I am in a total fugue state and nothing feels real right now.  I’ll just keep writing it down, and try to make sense of it all later, once the delirium has faded. 

DAY 6
Sunday, 11th December 2022
Today I woke up having turned into a big ol’ ball of phlegm.  Cannot stop coughing up the phlegm.  Cannot stop blowing the phlegm out of my nose. It’s phlegmageddon!!  Last night I had one of the worst headaches of my entire life so I’m grateful that I just have a regular headache this morning.  

I just received an auto-generated clearance letter from the Dubai Health Authority congratulating me on the completion of my mandated isolation, optimistically (and quite absurdly) declaring me asymptomatic and wishing me well in my return to work. Hahaha!

Today’s mood: I lay on the couch at 11.30am, knocked back the cough medicine that David slipped me, and passed out for the next five hours.  I just slept the day away, and still woke up feeling like a zombie.  David’s getting better every day, so I’m hoping tomorrow is the day I start feeling better too.

DAY 7
Monday, 12th December 2022
I did wake up feeling better today, for the first time since getting on the coronavirus rollercoaster.  The phlegm party is over, no more phlegm.  I’ve slept 13 out of the last 19 hours, so I’m well rested.  But I still have no energy.  I do one simple task and then flop for the next two hours.  This is no fun. 

This morning, while flossing my teeth, I was abruptly king-hit in the schnozz by the overwhelming fragrance of jasmine.  Just like that, outta nowhere.  I ran over to the reed diffuser and took a deep sniff of it, but couldn’t smell anything.  So bizarre.  I tried again, but nope, nada.  Had I imagined it?  I didn’t think so; the smell had been so very intense.  A few minutes later, a powerful punch of jasmine once again violated my nose.  I am starting to smell again.  Yay!!!  Taste is still nowhere to be seen, but one of my senses returning to life, albeit intermittently, gives me hope that the other will also soon reawaken. 

DAY 8
Tuesday, 13th December 2022
Overall, I’m feeling better today.  But the phlegm is back.  Where has it been?  Why did it return?  What adventures has it been on?  I’ll never know, but I do know that it’s all up in my shit.  And that it’s brought a friend back with it.  Hello again, sore throat.  My sense of smell is playing more games with me too.  While I was preparing breakfast, the stench of pig shit suddenly filled my nostrils.  It was only fleeting, but as you can imagine it was pretty fucking unsettling.  My sister has warned me of the horrors of parosmia, a common symptom of covid where normal everyday smells are interpreted by the brain as unpleasant, disgusting and even putrid.  Nice, right?  Also, I’m smelling the jasmine all the time now and I’m not even sure I like it. And why does the whole apartment smell of it? Is that the parosmia, or did I just buy a terrible bathroom fragrance? 

I feel gross today.  Dirty almost, as if there’s something toxic and metallic oozing out of the pores of my skin.  My cough has definitely worsened too. When I write about these symptoms, it’s not as black and white as oh, I have a cough.  Or oh, my throat is sore.  All of it is experienced through a thick veil of severe lethargy and fatigue.  Just sitting down and staring into space feels exhausting.  Every bout of coughing results in exhaustion.  Everything is an effort.  That’s what makes this so crap.  The good news is that David is almost completely better. 

DAY 9
Wednesday, 14th December 2022
I feel much, much better this morning so I think I’ll be fine to go back to work in a couple of days.  Today was the first time the veil of darkness hasn’t engulfed me.  I was also able to taste my food today, and while my appetite still isn’t what it used to be, it tasted really good (and was, of course, perfectly seasoned).  I am still coughing, and the cough has become raspy and wheezy, rattling in my chest, but apart from that I mostly feel OK.  Hey kids, this might be the beginning of the end of covid for me.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there will be no long-term health issues, and that I recover fully. 

DAY 10
Thursday, 15th December 2022
In a step backwards from yesterday’s progress, I once again feel the veil of fuzziness and lethargy enveloping me like a dark shroud.  What a palaver.  I just had another PCR test.  The person administering the test didn’t want to come inside (fair call, our place is a den of viral contagion) and so I had to submit my nostrils to being swabbed outside, in the corridor.  Oh, the humanity.  I’ll report the result as soon as I get it. 

I’m still being hoofed in the face every time I go to the bathroom.  The smell of jasmine is oppressively cloying and sickly to my newly sensitive sense of smell.  And ever since yesterday, I’ve had a funny taste in my mouth.  Not quite metallic, a little bit plasticky.  I imagine this is what the white jasmine oil would taste like if I drank it. Every damn day, it’s something new with this virus.  And I don’t like it at all. 

I got the test result back at 1.21pm.  Negative. 

PROLOGUE
More than two weeks after testing negative to covid I am almost back to normal.  I did feel tired in the days after returning to work, but not in a covid way, just in a regular shift work kind of way.  I was very gentle with myself and went to bed early every night, waking up early to watch the sunrise and get my hormones back in balance.  There was only one day, about a week ago when I experienced what felt like a relapse.  The cloak of exhaustion absolutely flattened me and I could barely move all day.  It was as though the production of energy in my body had simply shut down.  I was digging deep to find the strength to just get up off the couch, and there was nothing there.  I was empty.  I do think that this episode was triggered by going back to shift work so soon after being sick, but thank goodness it only lasted one day and since then, I’ve been fine. 

One symptom that has lingered, as feared, is this terrible, hacking cough.  I’ve been diagnosed with acute bronchitis, and have just finished a course of antibiotics which has improved it a little bit, but it’s still pretty bad.  Talking exacerbates it, but unfortunately my job requires me to talk to pilots all day long.  That’s what I do.  And so the worst coughing spells are at work.  It’s a horrible, irritatingly dry cough and it’s extraordinarily annoying – for me, and for the people around me.  My colleagues are being so lovely about it, expressing concern and offering me cups of tea and honey to soothe my throat.  But nothing seems to be helping.  I was told by a doctor, and a nurse, that my cough will probably last a couple of months.  Sad face. 

Oh yeah, and it turns out that the jasmine reed diffuser really was a dud. 

Ejo #155 – Let There Be Light

Last month I wrote about the health hazards of shift work, almost all of which are caused by the violence perpetrated against our circadian rhythms when we suffer from disrupted sleep.  Today I’m going to talk about why that matters so much.  Not just for shift workers, but for everyone. 

Over the last 50,000 years, we have driven the progress of our species forward at an alarming rate, transforming ourselves from primitive hunter-gatherers; first into farmers and then ultimately into what we are today (whatever you want to call that).  In most ways this progress has benefited us.  In many others, it has not.  The transition from hunter-gatherer to agronomist was thanks to the agricultural revolution approximately 10,000 years ago which is seen at once, as humankind’s greatest achievement, and our greatest failure.  It set us on the path that we find ourselves on today, by forcing us to settle in one place and allowing us to feed multitudes more of us, but it definitely wasn’t a benefit to our health.  Almost overnight, we went from chasing and eating a predominantly meat based diet, supplemented by tubers and the occasional fruit and berry, to a diet consisting almost entirely of grains.  It is commonly perceived that humans domesticated wheat, but the truer story is that wheat domesticated us.  And in doing so, it made us fatter and shorter, it made us more prone to disease and it significantly lowered our longevity. 

Things have improved, of course, and we now live long lives, full of creature comforts, mod-cons and all the good things that life has to offer.  But for all the progress our civilisation has made, our bodies lag behind, having evolved to survive the conditions that existed on earth 50,000 years ago.  We might be stuffing our faces with avocado toast and scrolling on our phones for hours, but our bodies still think we’re hunter-gatherers, roaming the plains of the Upper Paleolithic era.  All the progress we have made as a species has been truly remarkable, and the life that we’ve created for ourselves is an astonishing achievement, but for our animal bodies this progress has trapped us in a golden cage that is slowly killing us.  We no longer live in nature, and our bodies are paying the price.  To achieve optimal health, we all need to make more of an effort to return to our natural element, to get more fresh air, to move more and to get more sunshine.  This isn’t a new age, airy-fairy aspiration.  It’s a fact, rooted in hard science.  We need sunlight not just to thrive, but to survive. 

In his 1973 book “Health and Light“, which I recently finished reading, Dr. John Ott describes conducting research about how full spectrum light can improve our health, or make us sick if we are exposed to a distorted or incomplete spectrum.  Dr. Ott coined the term mal-illumination, which he compares to malnutrition, and which is caused by our widespread fear of the sun.  We aren’t doing ourselves any favours when we restrict our intake of full spectrum sunlight by shielding our eyes and skin behind sunglasses, tinted windows and sunscreen.  Doing so has created an epidemic of people who are deficient not only in Vitamin D, but in a very crucial, beneficial and life-promoting form of energy.  Sunlight. 

Of course we need to be sensible and not overdo it, because too much shortwave UV light is harmful, and can cause sunburn, premature aging and skin cancer.  But most UV light is long wavelength light.  It’s a nutrient, that nourishes us and gives us energy, and is just as important as the nutrients we consume from food.  In fact, it doesn’t matter how good your diet is, or how much you exercise, if you’re not getting optimal sunlight (infrared light, followed by red light, followed by UVA, and then UVB, in that order) you will never reach peak health.  You will always be operating sub-optimally.  And the scientific world has known that for a long time.  A 1967 study into illumination for health concluded that, “If human skin is not exposed to solar radiation for long periods of time, disturbances occur in the physiological equilibrium of the human system, resulting in functional disorders of the nervous system, vitamin-D deficiency, a weakening of the body’s defences and an aggravation of chronic diseases.” 

Speaking of Vitamin D, why are so many people supplementing with exogenous Vitamin D when all they need to do is go outside for a few minutes each day and commune with the almighty, life-giving sun?  Why are we all so happy to just pop a pill, when the answer to our health problems literally hangs in the sky outside our front doors.  Factors that affect your personal Vitamin D levels include where you live in the world, how old you are, what colour skin you have, how much you weigh, what foods you eat and what other conditions you might be suffering from.  How can all of that be effectively corrected with an over-the-counter course of vitamins created in a factory?  It can’t.  When we go outside and expose our skin to sunlight, the body knows what it needs to do.  It knows how much Vitamin D to produce and it creates the most bio-available form of it.  Two recent studies showed that increased blood levels of supplemental Vitamin D actually caused elderly people to fall over more often, and to suffer more frequent and more severe bone fractures.  And taking Vitamin D supplements has been shown in countless studies to actually increase the overall risk of cancer, and even death.  So stop popping the pills please, and just get out in the sunshine!!!! 

Sunlight isn’t just a requirement for Vitamin D synthesis.  Almost every living organism on earth dances to the beat of a circadian drum.  We all possess biological processes that naturally occur around a 24 hour cycle, usually in response to the position of the sun in the sky.  Humans are no exception to this.  Sunrise and early morning exposure to light kickstart the circadian rhythm into motion, communicating to every single cell in the body, and setting them all up to synchronise their tasks for the day.  This messaging is vitally important and we miss out on it if we don’t get that early morning light in our eyes.  But how many of us are willing to sacrifice that benefit so we can sleep in just one more hour.  Almost everyone has some level of chronically disrupted circadian rhythm, so it’s no wonder that so many of us suffer from constant fatigue, low mood, anxiety, infertility, erectile dysfunction and a plethora of metabolic issues.  And for some reason, we just normalise that.  We just accept that we feel that way.  And that’s not cool.  These symptoms are all treatable, and the prescription is sunlight. 

From daybreak to nightfall, the sun shines its magical and wondrous light on us, bestowing us with life and good health – that is, if we don’t hide ourselves away from it.  Sunshine contains light from the full spectrum; of course visible light, but also infrared, red and ultraviolet light. And all of these wavelengths are transformed by the body into energy which is required for a myriad of biochemical reactions.  The proportion of each of these wavelengths of light changes, depending on what time of day it is.  Infrared and red light is present in all sunlight, but is more concentrated at sunrise and sunset.  Infrared light is soothing, healing and anti-inflammatory.  Ultraviolet light appears sometime within two hours after sunrise, depending on your location.  UVA comes first, when the sun is around 10° above the horizon, followed by UVB some time later.  The Circadian app is a great source of information about what light is present at what time of day in your part of the world.

The Circadian app tells me exactly when UVA rises and sets in Dubai.

Receiving indirect UVA sunlight into our eyes comes with an abundance of perks, so for maximum benefits make sure to take off spectacles, sunglasses and contact lenses, but please don’t look directly at the sun, mmmkay. Morning UVA actually prepares our bodies to receive the stronger UVB light later in the day.  Clever, right?  It’s almost as if we were designed to be outside in the sun.  UVA is also the precursor to the release of thyroid hormones that are needed to regulate our metabolism, energy levels and weight, as well as hair, nail and skin growth.  And it also releases a beautiful rush of feel-good hormones like serotonin (which makes us feel happy), dopamine (which makes us motivated and curious), norepinephrine (which focusses concentration) and beta endorphins (which give us a runner’s high and makes us lust after sunlight even more).  These are the same hormones that get people hooked on drugs, alcohol, gambling and other problematic behaviour.  The only difference is that when you’re addicted to morning sunlight, you’re getting high on life.  Literally! 

Sunlight is the trigger for so many biological processes, and we receive that signal not just in our eyes, but also through our skin.  The skin is an amazing self-regulating organ which not only protects our insides from spilling out, but also allows us to experience touch and changes in temperature.  It quietly and efficiently battles the harsh external world, ensuring that our body remains in homeostasis on the inside, despite what might be happening on the outside.  It does this by facilitating constant two way communication between itself and the immune, endocrine and central nervous systems.  Our skin is a beautiful, complex and elegantly designed system, which has evolved over millennia to absorb UV light for beneficial metabolic and biochemical reactions. 

One surprising benefit of exposing our skin to UVB light is an increase in the sex hormones oestrogen and testosterone (both of which are present in men and women), resulting in a natural increase in libido.  And who couldn’t use a little pick-me-up in that department?!  In his very informative, and fascinating, podcast about the health benefits of light Dr. Andrew Huberman suggests a protocol designed to boost reproductive health and libido.  All you have to do is expose as much skin as you (decently) can to the midday sun for about 20-30 minutes a day, two to three times a week.  This protocol is based on studies conducted on humans that showed not only a significant blood serum increase in oestrogen and testosterone, but a psychological increase in perceived attractiveness of others as well as an increased desire to have sex.  I mean, c’mon, if that sounds as good to you as it does to me, let’s get on out there in the sunshine people.  Testosterone levels in men have been declining for years. This is a beautiful way to remedy that. Following this protocol takes about a month to start feeling more randy, so what are we waiting for?  Let’s go get it.

UVB doesn’t just make us horny.  It’s the magic ingredient for producing that essential, endogenous Vitamin D we were talking about earlier.  And when our eyes and skin are exposed to it, it also increases our pain tolerance, and boosts our mood and energy levels throughout the day, and I don’t know how you can put a price on that. 

I recently broke my ankle and was stuck at home for three weeks doing ATC office work.  It was the perfect time to start a morning sunlight protocol, as I wasn’t doing shift work, and I was able to stick to a consistent schedule.  My routine is extremely simple, but provides outsized benefits.  Every morning, I get up and go outside to watch the sun rise, staying outside for about twenty minutes.  Even three or four minutes is enough to get some benefit, but I like to stay out there for longer.  I gaze up at the brightest part of the sky, while avoiding looking directly at the sun (obvs).  After twenty minutes, I go inside to prepare and eat a high protein snack, before stepping back out and spending another twenty minutes exposing my naked eyes to the light, just as the UVA wavelengths begin to emerge. 

Catching the early morning rays from my balcony.

I’m not gonna lie, when I first started my routine, getting up so early in the morning was hard.  It was really hard.  Like, so, so hard.  But after just three days, I actually started looking forward to waking up before dawn.  I crave it now.  I love being up when most people are still in bed.  I love listening to the birds singing in the trees, feeling the cool sea breeze on my skin and witnessing the creation of each new day.  It’s a truly beautiful experience and a wonderful way to start the morning, setting me up to be healthier and happier all day long.  Getting UVA actually makes me feel hopeful, happy and full of love.  It washes over me like a warm blanket, giving me a wonderful feeling of wellbeing, and I finish each session with a huge smile on my face.  I feel so fucking good from making this tiny change to my routine.  The vast improvement in my mood, mental health and energy levels absolutely makes it worth getting up so early every day.  Going back to shift work has unfortunately made it slightly more difficult to be consistent in my routine, but I still make an effort to get early morning sunlight in my eyes, every single day, even after working a night shift.  Sunlight is the cure, and I’m out there every day, religiously taking my dose of medicine as if my quality of my life depended on it. Because it does. 

So we’ve talked about what we need to do during the day to improve our health, and now it’s time to discuss what happens at night.  We learned that UVB is great during the day, but it probably won’t surprise you to learn that it’s not so great after dark. 

We’ve all heard of melatonin, right?  It’s well known for helping us fall asleep, but it also has several other functions in the body, both regulative and protective.  These include stem cell production to make our bones stronger, the regulation of cardiovascular function and activation of the immune system.  Physiological melatonin has also been shown to have a very dynamic anti-oxidant effect, and even some anti-cancer properties to boot.  Contrary to popular opinion though, this doesn’t mean that we should all run out and start taking supplemental melatonin.  Far from it.  The anti-cancer properties occur with the natural rise and fall of the hormone.  Taking supplemental melatonin for long periods of time, can severely reduce adrenal output resulting in the suppression of cortisol and epinephrine, which may be known as stress hormones, but which are actually required by the body in order to function properly.  Supplemental melatonin tends to be an unnaturally fixed, and usually extremely high dose of the hormone, and taking it at the same time every night drastically differs from the way in which melatonin is naturally released by the body, gently rising and falling according to the time of day and the seasons. 

So, what is melatonin, and how does it work?  It’s a hormone secreted by the pineal gland, which is found in the centre of the brain.  The excretion of melatonin from the pineal gland is dependent on what time of day or night it is, and is actually governed by light.  Bright light turns off the production of melatonin, and darkness prompts it to be secreted.  The pea-sized pineal gland, however, is located very deep in the brain, so how on earth could it possibly know what time of day it is in order to regulate the production and release of melatonin?  I’m glad you asked.  There is a fancy-pants cell in our eyes called the intrinsically photosensitive ganglion, also known as the melanopsin cell, which is responsible for absorbing sunlight, and escorting the signal through a series of messaging posts in the brain until it reaches it’s destination, the pineal gland.  Morning sunlight in the eyes is the catalyst that signals to the pineal gland that it’s time to gently reduce the release of melatonin, while at the same time triggering production of it for later that night.  Yes, paradoxically we need sunlight to produce the hormone that will help us sleep. 

Melatonin also communicates information to our bodies about how much light is in our environment, and therefore what time of the day it is and also what time of the year it is, which is just remarkable.  The environment around us, i.e. light, changes the environment within us, all thanks to the super-hormone melatonin.  Which is why we should be vigilant about getting more sunlight, as well as making an effort to avoid artificial light at night. 

Of course, in this (marvellous) modern day and age, it’s difficult to avoid artificial light after dark.  It sure would be awesome if we could all have open fireplaces, and homes lit with romantic candlelight.  And I can guarantee you that we’d all sleep a hell of a lot better if we did.  But unfortunately, that’s probably not going to happen.  So we need to focus on what we can do.  If you have dimmers, turn the lights all the way down at night.  If you don’t have dimmers, try lower wattage (or lower lumen) light bulbs.  A really important thing you can also do is stop watching TV and scrolling on your phone about an hour before bed.  So many people are in the habit of falling asleep while looking at their phones.  This is the absolute worst thing you can do for the quality of your sleep.  Sure, it might help you drop off, but you definitely aren’t going to have a restful sleep.  So give your eyes a break from all that blue light.  Let the melatonin do it’s thing.  These small changes in our environment can make a huge difference to sleep quality.  

Knowing that light has such a severely inhibitory effect on melatonin should serve as a warning about exposing our eyes to bright lights at night.  Even something that might seem as inconsequential as turning on the light to go the toilet in the middle of the night, immediately causes your lovely, sleepy-beepy, high levels of melatonin to crash to near zero.  The artificial light immediately shuts down melatonin release.  Chk! Chk! Boom!  And then of course you’ll have trouble getting back to sleep.  Melatonin naturally begins to rise early in the evening in preparation for bedtime, but it continues to increase as we sleep, well into the night.  So if you habitually get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, and turn on the lights every time you do, your melatonin signalling is going to be up shit creek, aka chronically disrupted.  You’ll have issues, not just with falling asleep every night, and being tired all the time, but with all the other things that melatonin regulates and protects in the body, that I mentioned earlier. You’ll forget what it feels like to feel your best.  Most of us have already forgotten. 

Even just one night sleeping in a moderately lit room has been shown to increase your sleeping heart rate, decrease heart rate variability, overstimulate the sympathetic nervous system and increase waking insulin resistance.  All very bad things.  A good guide is, if you can see your hand 30cm in front of your face while you’re in bed with the lights out, your room is too bright, and I’m sorry but you are not going to get a good night’s sleep.  David and I live in the middle of a big city.  When I’m in bed with the lights out at night, I can actually read a book by the external ambient light coming in through our floor to ceiling windows.  Even when we’re sleeping with our eyes closed, ambient light penetrates our eyelids and makes its way through our grey matter to the pineal glad, where we know it causes sleep damage.  Having this occur regularly is very harmful because sleep is supposed to be the time when the body and brain regenerate, and heal.  A lot of stuff goes on when we’re sleeping – our body temperature drops, our breathing, heart rate and blood pressure lower, our brains sort through all the information it received that day, removing what isn’t needed, our immune system kicks in to repair the body, and the brain stem temporarily paralyses our muscles.  And of course, the beautiful symphony orchestra that is our hormonal cascade has free rein to work it’s magic as we sleep. 

It seems, these days, that almost everyone is tired, all of the time.  So perhaps more of us would benefit from being more mindful of our bedroom’s light hygiene at bedtime, and ensuring we sleep in as dark a room as possible.  If installing blackout blinds or curtains isn’t practical, consider sleeping with an eye mask.  Eye masks have come a long way, and there is now a multitude of designs, so finding one that is comfortable for your face and sleeping style should be easy.  David and I recently started using them at night and it’s been an absolute game changer for me.  Actually, it’s much bigger than that.  Along with my morning light routine, it’s been life changing, and I’m not even joking.  I’m sleeping better than I have in my entire life, and waking up feeling more rested, despite working shifts.  I honestly cannot rave enough about it, because the transformation in the quality of my sleep has been simply extraordinary.  I always had this dumb kind of boastful pride about being able to sleep without curtains on our windows after a night shift, with the bright sun just streaming in.  And for many years I did myself a disservice because of that.  I feel like a bit of an idiot for waiting so long to try wearing an eyemask to bed.  But I’m well and truly on the bandwagon now, and I’d really recommend it to everyone to at least try it out and see how they feel in the morning. 

Disrupting sleep with light pollution does more than just make us tired.  It makes us ill.  It makes us ache and feel low and unmotivated.  It makes us fat, depressed and prematurely old.  It makes all of us function less than optimally.  And it doesn’t have to be that way.  But the wonderful thing about it is that you don’t have to take a pill to feel better.  You just have to go outside and let the sun shine down on you.