David and I just got back from Hoi An!! Vietnam, bitches! And, as always, we had a rip-roaring time. You might recall that we’ve been to Vietnam before, on a far more daring odyssey. In 2012 we rode old Russian motorbikes into the remote mountains of the central highlands, going WAY off the beaten track and totally off the tourist trail. It was scary as hell, and bloody amazing.
This time we were visiting our friend, Cath, who has recently upped stumps from Melbourne and moved to the beautiful and cultural, historic town of Hoi An. There were no fearless adventures this time. The gutsiest thing we did each day was to venture out of Cath’s house, and into the searing sun and withering humidity. This might not sound so heroic to you, but I cannot stress enough how UNBELIEVABLY hot and sticky it was. You’d think we are accustomed to high temperatures, having lived in Dubai for eight and a half years, but we spend very little time outdoors during summer. I tell you, I have never been so hot and so sweaty in my life. But hey, we were there to get drunk in Hoi An and we had no choice but to brave the hostile outdoors so that I could bring you this month’s ejo.
So, the first thing you do after arriving in Hoi An on a hot day is to get an ice cold beer into you, preferably under some shade, and ideally next to a fan. Air-conditioning is rare, so just get used to having rivulets of sweat constantly pouring down your body, and enjoy the hell out of that beer. And the next one. Beer in Vietnam is literally cheaper than water, and we paid less than 60 cents for a can. So crack one open and start hydrating. You’re gonna need it.
Biere Larue, a local beer, cost less than a dollar a bottle and is a necessity in the searing heat.
BA LE MARKET
After arriving at Cath’s house we headed to the local market and walked around to take in the sights, sounds and smells of the local bazaar. Cath had mentioned that she’d spotted a huge pig’s head the day before and I was really keen to see it, so off we went in search of it, but alas it was gone. Luckily there was a cornucopia of other produce to stimulate the senses. In the morning heat, the meat and fish section was particularly stimulating.
The hubbub of Ba Le Market – we went by the market at least a couple of times a day.
All the fresh produce you could think of under one roof.
Super fresh fruit and veg, at super cheap prices.
Fancy some fish? How about an octopus?
Some beautiful fresh fishies being chopped up for someone’s delicious dinner.
We rushed through and quickly made our way to a refreshment stand for a little pick-me-up of Vietnamese coffee. Now, Vietnamese coffee isn’t your regular cup of joe. It’s very strong syrupy coffee, slow-dripped onto lashings of condensed milk. In hot weather it’s always served with ice. It’s certainly a heart-starter and we made it a morning ritual to get up early every day to beat the heat and head on over to our favourite stall to sit down in little plastic children’s chairs and slam a couple of these down in a row. Trust me, your hangover will thank you for it.
You can get Vietnamese coffee, and juices (including the ubiquitous sugar cane juice) at any of the multitude of market stalls, but this one was our favourite (it’s on the main road – look for the sign) and we were there every single morning for our double dose of Vietnamese coffee. They laughed at us the first time we ordered a second round. But after that they started greeting us with a smile.
Strong, sweet Vietnamese coffee. SO good.
Lê Thánh Tông, Hội An, Quang Nam Province
CLICK FOR MAP
MADAM KHÁHN: THE BÁHN MÌ QUEEN
So what makes bánh mì so special? Have you ever had one?? If so, you wouldn’t be asking. The best bánh mì is served in a freshly baked crusty, French baguette smeared with pâté and then stuffed full of goodness with all sorts of yummy ingredients depending on the region, or the shop owner. Bánh mì was one of the things we really wanted to try on this trip, so one sweltering lunchtime we grabbed a cab and took off for Old Town Hoi An, straight to Madam Khanh’s. We were offered no menu, just a choice of vegetarian or pork bánh mì. We got the pork, with a little extra spice and, of course, beer! This is PERFECT hangover food. Greasy, delicious, comforting and filling. I couldn’t finish mine, but I had the rest later at home while we were laying low to avoid the heat, and it was even better, as all the flavours had intensified and soaked into the bread. My mouth just had an orgasm, remembering how good it was.
The famous Madam Khanh herself! Still making bánh mì every day at the age of 79. Hers are a special mix of pâté, pork char siu, sausage, fried egg, homemade pickles, papaya, carrots, parsley, chili sauce, soy sauce, and her secret sauce.
Seriously. Look at that. To die for.
115 Trần Cao Vân, Sơn Phong, Tp. Hội An, Quảng Nam
+84 90 666 03 09
CLICK FOR MAP
AGRIBANK ATM CUBICLE
Why am I featuring an ATM cubicle in a Drunk In….. ejo? Because it’s the coldest 2m³ in the whole goddamn town. No joke, keep this one up your sleeve.
You know it’s hot when all three of you pile into the eensy-weensy teeny-weeny little ATM cubicle just for a few moments of respite. © Cath Grey
CLICK FOR MAP
WHITE MARBLE WINE BAR & RESTAURANT
David and I don’t usually go for wine bars in South East Asia (it feels too much like a western concept), but Cath insisted we try this place for dinner one night and I’m really glad she did. The food was so good, and so authentic, that we went back again the next day for lunch and then again on our last day (it was those Money Bags damn it, we just couldn’t stay away). Each time we also consumed plenty of beer, tonnes of sparkling water and tonnes of sparkling wine. That’s how we roll, kids! The service here is impeccable and the food consistently amazing. Highly recommended.
That Napoleon Bonaparte knew a thing or two, didn’t he?!!
Hoi An spring rolls
The best damn Money Bags I’ve ever had in my life. Probably the best you’ll ever have too.
Super fresh rice paper rolls stuffed with prawns, lettuce, mint, coriander, carrot, pineapple and vermicelli noodles. So fresh and tasty!
98 Lê Lợi, Minh An, Tp. Hội An, Quảng Nam
+84 235 3911 862
CLICK FOR MAP
HOI AN OLD TOWN
We took a few trips into historic Hoi An. There are heaps of restaurants, shops, bars, cafés and stalls to while away several drunken hours, if not the entire day! One evening when we were rather drunk, we walked around the crowded riverside stalls, fending off overly friendly expat club promoters trying to beguile us into having a drink with them. As we navigated the thronging streets, one particular stall caught my eye, and even though I was absolutely stuffed full of Money Bags I just HAD to have a freshly made Vietnamese banana pancake. I’m a sucker for these things, and you should be too because they’re bloody delicious. Eggs, butter, banana, condensed milk. What else could you want? It was the perfect end to our evening out (because I shortly thereafter slipped into a sugar coma – totes worth it). But fear not, the party continued on Cath’s balcony with plenty of bottles of rosé and prosecco to revive me.
These are made fresh to order with your choice of condensed milk or chocolate sauce on top. Condensed milk wins for me ever’ damn time!
Yes, you should. © Cath Grey
NA SPA ESCAPE
Exploring the watering holes and eateries of any city is hard work and sometimes your body just cries out for some TLC. We made sure to look after ours by getting a restorative massage at Na Spa Escape. It’s a lovely, peaceful and air-conditioned (!!!!) oasis from which to escape the heat and noise of the city for just a little while. We were given the choice of a firm-pressure Asian blend massage, or a more relaxing Swedish massage. We all went with the firm choice. We needed it! And though the massage itself ended up being not as firm as I would have liked, I certainly walked away from it feeling super rejuvenated, relaxed and ready to take on the challenge of more eating and drinking!
The calming interior of the Na Spa Escape retreat. We were asked if we wanted to go for the three-way massage, but we politely declined. David and I had a romantic couple’s massage and Cath went solo. I think it was for the best.
100/5 Le Thanh Tong, Cam Chau, T.P. Hoi An, Quang Nam
+84 235 3914 199
CLICK FOR MAP
TAM THANH MURAL VILLAGE
It’s never a “Drunk In…..” experience without at least a pinch of culture thrown in for fun. We’re not heathens, for god’s sake!! This time we hired a driver for a half-day trip to the seaside fishing town of Tam Thanh, also known as Mural Village for the multitude of murals painted onto the houses along its only street. About a year ago the South Korean government, in a lightbulb moment, commissioned a bunch of Vietnamese and South Korean artists and asked them to jazz up the tiny town with a lick of paint. The locals were supposedly a bit nonplussed about the whole thing, but they were completely shocked when people started coming from far and wide, just to take pictures of the wall paintings. It seems as though they still haven’t really recovered, because there’s not a whole lot of trade going on, which actually makes it a very charming little place. Everyone smiles and waves at you and no-one makes you feel like you’re intruding on them when you take pictures of their house.
Vietnam’s second most popular mode of transportation, after motorbikes.
Two types of local fishing boats, pimped up!
Gorgeous artistry. © Cath Grey
Tam Thanh is a super gorgeous village. I reckon I’d love to spend two whole weeks here, doing nothing but drinking beer and coconut juice and gorging on fish.
We had plans to go to a local beach restaurant for lunch but at 9.45am it was still way too early, so when beckoned by a group of locals, we took a break under the shade of a tree on some tiny plastic chairs and ordered three coconuts, stat! The lady of the house (and it really was just the front of some woman’s house) chopped the coconuts right on the ground with a huge machete, and served them up with straws. Perfecto! We slurped up all the juice and then she split each coconut in half with her big-ass knife so we could get at the young, juicy pulp. So much goodness. When it was time to pay, she totally fleeced us and kept increasing the number of fingers going up until our faces started registering shock. Then she put up one more finger for good measure and everyone in her posse laughed heartily, as we willingly handed over the extortionate sum of $4.50, which is about double the price we should have paid.
Three coconuts please!
CLICK FOR MAP OF TAM THANH
NO NAME BEACH RESTAURANT
It was almost time for lunch, but the coconut had given me some, uh, shall we say trouble in the trouser department, so we headed off to the Tam Thanh Beach Resort & Spa’s Ocean Breeze bar for a couple of refreshing beers – and the opportunity to use the only nice toilet in the vicinity. If you come to gorgeous Tam Thanh, I’d definitely recommend coming to Ocean Breeze afterwards to use the facilities, and of course to have a refreshment.
Tam Thanh beach (dotted with fishing boats). It’s gorgeous, but it was brutally hot out there and we couldn’t even muster up the fortitude to venture down to the water. Luckily, Ocean Breeze has toilets, beer and an air-conditioned lounge from which to gaze upon the lovely scene above.
It was finally time for lunch, so we sauntered across the street to a row of open-air beach restaurants and made a beeline for the one on the far left (since that was the one that Cath had been to before). I bet they’re all amazing though, and I bet they all serve the freshest seafood you’ve ever had. We negotiated the confusing, handwritten English menu with the help of the staff and kicked back with some beers and peanuts, contemplating what a lovely day we were having. If you’re looking for any recommendations, I will have to insist you get the calamari and the crabs. These were incredibly fresh and delicious. And even though we were quite full, the calamari was just so good we had to order another round.
Fresh peanuts while you wait. A perfect beer snack.
Coz they could see us coming a mile away, they brought us a little cooler full of beer and ice. Which was most welcome.
Coriander, pepper and lime salt. Delicious on EVERYTHING with a squeeze of fresh lime on top. We went through six plates of this stuff. Sure, some of it ended up on the plastic table cloth – but that didn’t stop us from dipping our food into it. Waste not, want not!
The crab was super fresh. How fresh? Let’s just say that those lovely crabs sacrificed their lives for us about ten minutes after we ordered them. Best crab I’ve had in 30 years.
What was left of the fish that we didn’t really mean to order. © Cath Grey
The calamari was so good we ordered another plate of it to the bewilderment (and amusement) of the waitress.
Get yourself to Tam Thanh Beach Resort & Spa where Ocean Breeze is located. When you’re ready to go to the No Name Beach Restaurant, just cross the road (DT614) and head to the restaurant closest to the beach.
CLICK FOR MAP TO TAM THANH BEACH RESORT & SPA
At the end of nearly every day of our stay in Hoi An, we ended up at Restaurant 328, a local dining establishment where Cath was greeted like long lost family and David and I were welcomed with open arms. And every time we went, we each devoured one of these delicious, home-made frozen confections, delightfully (and aptly named) Mango Delights. And how delightful they were. The first day when we excitedly ordered them, Aunty told us that she had only just popped the ice-cream in the freezer 15 minutes earlier and that it would be too soft to serve. I guess the traumatised expressions on our faces convinced her to offer it to us anyway. This stuff alone is worth travelling to Hoi An for. My mouth is spurting just thinking about it. Oh, it’s spurting.
Is it any wonder this is called a Mango Delight? LOOK AT IT!! It’s fucking delightful!!!!!
On another visit we ordered three Mango Delights and three shots of their home-made rice wine to wash it down. Uncle was chuffed and proudly brought over a plastic water bottle filled with the potent clear liquid, and poured out three measures for us. This stuff is STRONG. I’m not ashamed to say that there was some enthusiastic table banging, and a little bit of strident gasping for a few minutes there, but it’s still something I’d definitely recommend. It’s wine. Made from Vietnamese rice. Of course you have to have it. On our last visit to the restaurant, Aunty somehow knew that we were leaving the next day and wanted to give us a little surprise. She furtively crept up to our table and burst into fits of laughter as she revealed what she was hiding behind her back. Yep, the plastic bottle of rice wine and three little glasses. Of course we had to partake. Twice. It would have been rude not to.
Rice wine. Tastes like a mixture of sake and petrol. With slightly more petrol overtones.
After I started writing this ejo I asked Cath if she wouldn’t mind going back to Restaurant 328 to get a photo of Aunty and her plastic water bottle of home-made rice wine. Unfortunately Aunty had better things to do that day, but Cath figured that this wonderful drawing was a pretty good substitute. I tend to agree. (But seriously, Cath, lay off the rice wine, OK?) 😉
328 Cua Dai, Hoi An, Quảng Nam
+84 235 3862 095
CLICK FOR MAP
BIG BOWL PHO – NO BAI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
C’mon, we had to have one final hit of phở before we left Vietnam.
A farewell meal at the airport. There are some airports around the world where I much prefer to eat in the terminal rather than the airport lounge. This includes pretty well all the South East Asian cities. This farewell phở really hit the spot and helped to ease the anguish of leaving Vietnam.
Level 3, Noi Bai International Airport, Hanoi
CLICK FOR MAP
Yes, we did.
When the going gets hot, the hot get in the blow-up wading pool. Sure, the two little girls next door laughed uproariously at us as we were filling it up with water, but in the end we were in a pool and they were not. So, who’s laughing now little girls?!